Sometimes, we get married and after some time we think, “Oh no, I married the wrong person”. These are spouses that are “challenged”. That can mean they have issues mentally, emotionally, physically, or spiritually. Sometimes, we may have seen a few red flags, but we went on and said "I do", hoping for the best.

Firstly, if you’re not married already, DO NOT SETTLE. Secondly, if you ARE married DO NOT SETTLE. Now I can't tell any person that your spouse is not for you or that you should leave, but I will say, don’t settle for our spouses' challenges as if nothing can be done about them. Every person has the capacity for change and can adapt. It depends on what they are willing to give and how far we are willing to push the issue.

In marriage, each spouse is called to love each unconditionally and love one another as each needs to be loved. Sometimes, spouses, just as kids, need tough love. We all come into our marriages with baggage from childhood, early adulthood, etc.. No one can claim that they are who they are and can't change.

I have experienced this and I’m sure my husband can say the same. He came in with major anger issues. He was explosive, not physically, but sometimes those outbursts felt like a punch. I came in with lots of resentment and a huge father wound. What did his anger look like? It looked like getting so angry on the road that he’d follow them for miles. It looked like yelling at the top of his lungs because he felt “disrespected” about something I did or didn't do. My criticism and belittling looked like telling him he wasn't a man and he wasn't good enough. It looked like me calling him names and ignoring him when he spoke. I wanted him to be so many things to me and I’d criticize him and belittle him for not reaching those standards.

For years, we’d go on and not handle our issues completely. We could say we were married for a long time and had endured the struggles, but enduring will not make a happy marriage. We wanted our marriage to be whole. We finally stopped and decided to fight our demons together.

Here are three tips I’d suggest if you or your spouse are challenged.

1. Give each other time to speak up and listen to each other's perspectives.

Listening to your spouse without interrupting until he is finished talking can be very challenging especially when the situation is intense. It's tempting to talk over and try to defend yourself without letting your spouse finish venting out his emotions and sentiments. However, letting each other have the chance to speak up and voice out will make the situation lighter and can help you identify the root cause of your misunderstanding and conflicts.

If both or one of you can't handle the situation and know that it may just result in shouting, belittling, criticizing, or worse than that, then it's alright to give each other some space and time to compose yourselves. You can just schedule the conversation when each of you had the time to cool down.

2. Figure out where you can both compromise to address the problem.

After letting each other speak up and identify what are the triggers and causes of the issues, you have to work together to carefully weigh your options and identify which area both of you need to compromise.

Being married is not always happy moments and compliments, it's also learning how to accommodate and understand your spouse's beliefs and desires without forcing yourself to sacrifice your own. If both of you learn how to compromise, you'll be able to establish the feeling of fairness, trust, and love you have for each other.

3. Learn how to apologize to each other regardless of whose fault you think it is.

Most of the time when we are angry, we tend to say hurtful things that we don't really mean. It's mostly pride and anger that pushes us to say things that could hurt our partners. If we make it a habit to sincerely apologize and make up to our spouse after a fight, it could help us move forward and genuinely forgive each other. It would also be great if you make it a habit to pray after a fight to ask for forgiveness and guidance.

TAKEAWAYS

Before we get married, every one of us has their own beliefs, personalities, and experiences from our past that we continue to bring to our marriage. Given that our spouse has his share of those things, it's not surprising that we unintentionally get to a point where we misunderstood each other. Each of you is trying to stand your grounds for what you believe is right, however, your marriage may not end up as stronger as you imagined if you let pride and anger take over. Learning how to listen, speak up, apologize, forgive, and be willing to compromise for your spouse can bring you to a healthier and successful marriage.

Are you having challenges in your marriage? Please feel free to reach out to me here and let's work together to resolve it. ❤❤❤

The Challenged Spouse

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